so, i had a banana. and a large lettuce salad.

... and then my friend Klint came over and bought me mcdonald's. 4 piece nuggets and  small fries. how many calories is that? 250 for the fries, and 170 for the nuggets. that's what... 420 calories? for that little food? jeeze.
and so now i feel like the day is shot, and i'm really tempted to just eat a pizza.
or at least 2 slices.

okay, so don't get me wrong... i'm not wanting to incourage myself to eat as little as possible. i know that a lot of talking has been going on in some of the communities that some of us are on. i just feel like shit when i eat a lot of calories. i know that medically speaking, the average woman needs 1200 calories to maintain a healthy weight. but i feel like if i eat into the four digits, i'm just going to gain. and gain. and gain.
i hate this cycle! why can't i be like my roommate Ashley, and not want to eat so much, and when i do eat, have NONE of it turn to fat.
don't believe me?



Ashley's the one in the bra. i'm the other one. this was taken ... may of '06? somewhere around that. i think i was about the same weight as i am now. so there's an idea of my body.

grr.
i'm frustrated.
i think i'll try to sleep, and hopefully i won't eat.
--Aliz

okay, so basically, i have been feeling like i've been binging all week. however, i got on the scale today, and i had lost a pound, at least. i can't remember if i was last 173, or 170.
either way, i am now 169. what the hell? it kind of makes me feel like i could have lost so much more if i hadn't been so bad. but, i am glad that i've broken out of the plateau.  i was [either 173 or 170] since i fit back into my 10's.
today i've had a bowl of chicken noodles. i think that if i eat more today, it will be a large lettuce salad, and maybe a bit of fruit.
--Aliz

so, basically, the break up is going poorly. i'm trying not to eat to comfort myself, but that doesn't always work.
i'm feeling a little optomistic, though, because i still fit in my tens. woo for that.
i'm back on laxatives,  so that will  hurt a little.  oh  well. the  price  we pay for vanity.
--Aliz

okay, so my roommate's had a potential boyfriend over for the past few days. they're acting all lovey and cuddley, and of course that makes me miss Bob [the ex] even more. so i've been really depressed, and since there are so many people in the house, it's hard to either starve or cut. so i've been binging. fucking ass. fucking stupid fat ass bitch. you know why guys don't like me? because i'm not a pretty size double zero, and i will never be. even with plastic surgery and lipo, i'll never be pretty or a 00, because it's physically impossible to shrink your bone structure. and i've got nasty ass bone structure. my face is fucking sick. my cheekbones are low, my nose has a nasty ass bump in it that makes me look like the wicked stepmother off of snow white when she turned into the hag. i've got hag nose. i'll never be able to afford to fix it. i'll never be pretty. my body has scars all over it, and not the good kind that tell a story. all these scars say is how much i hate myself. really fucking loathe myself. pardon me, i'm going to go take a handful of laxatives, and wish it was xanex instead.
--Aliz

mmm, free booze. 
i love getting drunk. 
i love when people buy me alcohol.  i can pay for my own, when i can afford it, but i still love it when someone buys it for me.
we're watching suburbia and getting drunk. sheila just commited suicide.
sorry if that kills the story for anyone who hasn't seen it.
love to all.
--Aliz

P.S.
i still can't believe that i fit into my tens. they're even a little loose on me. for the past 3 months i've been wearing 14s. killer shit, yo.
 

i fit into my 10's again!
i'm so excited. 
--Aliz

 so today i had 3/4 of a turkey and colby cheese sub, some grapes [maybe six?], and a lot of diet soda. i also had a cup of coffee. i'm pretty proud of myself. 

okay, so, some background info. about a month ago i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. he was also my best friend of 5 years. it was the biggest mistake of my life. he moved 5 hours away to live with his mom until he got a job and could afford a place of his own. we haven't talked pretty much since we broke up. in about a month, maybe a little longer, i'm going out to his mom's to see him. totally a suprise visit. my goal is to be down 20 pounds by then. i think i've got a pretty good start, although i'm not exactly sure because my scale is freaky. but my friends all seem to think i've lost weight. 

anyway, i'll keep you all updated. again, thanks for the support!
--Aliz

two of my friends said i looked like i lost weight, my jeans are getting saggy, and i can fit into a shirt i haven't been able to fit into for months! YAY!
--Aliz

we'll call it day four, anyway.
yesterday i didn't do too poorly. a sandwich and a cup of corn flakes. i have no idea how many calories are in the sandwich. i'm guessing 350. as for the cornflakes, it's 100. so, 450. i'm thinking i'll start the 2468 pretty soon. we'll see how that goes. i did one kind of like it in highschool. the "rotation diet." same principle, more calories. i think i might be loosing weight, but i'm afraid to weigh in. yeesh. i'm a pansy.
i haven't had anything today except stuff to drink. go me. hopefully i'll keep it up.
--Aliz 

i forgot i was going to say thank you to all of you, for your adds, for your support, for just being here to read my ventings. i really appriciate it.
<3
--Aliz